In This Moment
In this moment I am 34. I see myself in photos and I think “she looks a little older than me”. But she’s not. I notice that the skin on my face is a little looser. I have bags under my eyes that aren’t there in photos from a few years ago. Sometimes it looks to me like one side of my mouth sags a bit. I never noticed that before.
The things that bothered me about my appearance in my youth no longer have a hold on me. I don’t mind the red hair. I don’t notice the freckles. I now recognize that ever thinking my fingers and wrists were too large was absurd. This ability to see more of myself as who I am and accept it is a perk of being in your thirties I suppose.
In this moment I have two children, ages 21 months and 5 years. My son doesn’t start kindergarten until next year (thankfully) because of where his birthday falls. I am so happy for that fact. I am not ready to let him go. He has a huge heart and adores his sister. He says poop a lot. I see how long and lean he’s grown but I can also see my baby boy. I see the fullness in his face that reminds me of a much smaller version of himself. I don’t want to stop seeing that.
My daughter is a spitfire. All sassy attitude and determined to communicate what she wants even when she doesn’t yet have the words. She wakes me up by 6 am every morning. I wonder if I’ll ever catch up on my sleep. I suspect I won’t. She’s recently discovered Minnie Mouse. She wants Minnie all the time. Or apple sauce.
There is apple sauce stuck to the hardwood floors and the coffee table. It takes a lot of elbow grease to scrape it up. I didn’t know how much dried apple sauce resembled glue. Now I do. My home is always just one good cleaning away from being, well, clean. My children conspire against me and do their best to make sure it’s littered with their toys and clothes from the day before.
My husband works a lot. He has a demanding job. He comes home and I can see that it still weighs on him. I’ll say something and know that his mind is somewhere else. I tell him so. He likes that I can see when he’s preoccupied. I wish he could leave the job at the office but I know that’s not the type of work he’s in. Before I decided to stay home with our children I too had a career that followed me home. I get it. I appreciate what he does for us and how much he loves us. Yet still I wish he was more present. He does too.
My parents are getting older. Sometimes it catches me off guard. My mom talks about how she and my dad sit in their chairs to watch the news while she drinks her tea. My dad hasn’t been feeling well lately. We don’t yet know what’s wrong. I worry. Apparently I’ve reached that stage of adulthood where you worry about your parents.
I have realized that not all friendships are created equal. Sometimes you grow apart. Sometimes there’s not enough depth in the relationship. You have to let them go. You have to recognize that doing so will allow you to become a better you. It hurts. It hurts less over time. I hear everything does.
In this moment I spend a lot of time thinking about if what I do with my time truly reflects my priorities. I don’t always make the right decision. I fall short often. But I notice it and I think that’s something.
I study the Bible in a way I never did before. When I don’t I can feel the difference in myself. I am more agitated. I fear the direction of our world. I am terrified of something happening to my children. When I devote the beginning of my day to God, the panic goes away. I am calm. I have faith. I trust in Him. It makes me a better mother and wife. He makes me a better mother and wife.
I am not the woman I was five years ago. Or ten years ago. I don’t want to be.
I am not who I will be five years from now. Or ten years. I hope not anyway.
I want to grow. I want to love my children and my husband the way they deserve to be loved. I want to laugh. I want to play. I want to write. I want to read. I want to do better.
I’ll go slow though. I won’t wish away this time. I will stay in it. I will be grateful for it. It is precious even when I’m low on sleep and hyper-caffeinated.
For now I just want to be fully in this moment. It’s beautiful and it’s mine.
14 Comments on “In This Moment”
Wow! I found your blog by connecting with you on Twitter and I am simply blown away by the beauty of your honesty.
Thank you for sharing with us a little piece of your world; your insecurities, worries and joys. I am looking forward to reading more of your work! I only hope that one day I can have your strength. Kylie
You are so sweet! Thank you! I look forward to seeing more from you on your blog! Your photos are beautiful!
Oh, the feels! I can relate to so much of this. Thank you for being so honest & heartfelt.
Thank YOU for reading and taking the time to comment!
This is beautiful. Really and truly beautiful and so very honest about it how you are now. How you feel in your present state and how far you’ve come.
I can’t understand the tired or dealing with two little ones, but this is the type of post that I enjoy reading that makes me want to have what you have some day. You’re not sugar coating the struggle you have – trust I get the applesauce. I teach and my 4 year old children manage to let it dry on the table… how? I don’t know… it baffles me.
I look forward to reading more on your journey. Exciting and yet terrifying at the same time to have your first child start kindergarten.
Be well!
Chel
I so appreciate you reading my thoughts and taking the time to say such kind words! I am sure you’re are more than familiar with cleaning up after messy sweethearts given your job! I look forward to checking out your blog as well and I will do it today! Thank you!
Seriously, this gets as loud of an Amen as I can give. I always feel like social media plays a big role for me to lose myself and NOT be in the moment but there is a flip side, because then I wouldn’t have found this post. So many truths here. Thanks mama 🙂
Thank you so much! I completely agree. Social media is definitely the thing that can keep me from the moment so I try to be careful with it. It takes effort for me for sure!
Oh yes…..all of this. These moments that are the now. We are in the same stage of life, that’s for sure!
I love it. Even though I could sleep for 2 weeks if given the chance right now. 😉
Beautiful. I found this blog through twitter and so glad I did. I am in a similar stage of life. I am 32 with 3 kids 7 and under. I get caught in the enjoy the moments and striving to be a better version of myself. I am loving your blog. Thanks for sharing.
So nice to meet you, Jessica!
This is beautifully written.
Thank you very much. <3