How to Do Life (According to my Toddler)
Having a toddler is like being ruled by a tiny lovable tyrant. You’re just rolling through adulthood minding your own business. Making decisions. Getting a decent night’s sleep. Wearing matching clothes. Not wearing anyone’s snot. And then one day you wake up and you’ve suddenly been deemed unfit to manage your life without the very vocal input of a two year old.
He or she will dominate you.
You’ll resist. You’ll think that having 30 years of living experience will trump their 730 days of life. But you’re a fool. That toddler will wear you down until you know it.
And you will love it. It turns out that being adorable and snuggly beats any know-how you managed to accumulate in your time here on earth.
My toddler, in her infinite wisdom, has taught me a lot. Being the generous person I am, I thought I’d share some of these gems with you. But don’t tell her I did it. I haven’t yet been informed if that’s allowed.
- All urgent conversations must occur when the parent is using the restroom.
- Embarrassing questions must be asked at maximum volume when in public.
- Music = dancing.
- When perusing the aisles in Target make sure you touch everything. The more breakable the better.
- Doors are made to be opened.
- So are cabinets, drawers, and dishwashers.
- Is there a cabinet the toddler shouldn’t get into? Well that’s the only one they want.
- Sleep is overrated. You might miss something.
- Sandwiches should be cut into four squares. Except when they should be cut into two triangles. Or the occasions when they should be cut into two rectangles. There are also times they should be left whole. Just do whatever you feel in your heart is right (and know it will be wrong).
- Bandaids. Lots of them.
- Did you close that door? Only the toddler is authorized to do it. You’re going to pay for that.
- There is no such thing as too many accessories.
- Why eat a whole banana when you can eat half, mash the rest, and hand it to your mother?
- If something is folded, unfold it.
- If something is planted, pluck it.
- If something is dirty, eat it.
- Bath time is the best. Until it isn’t. It’s okay to change your mind in this and all things.
- Dogs are made to be ridden like a horse.
- Dogs can tolerate pretty much any abuse when the tiny abuser shares his meals with them.
- “You want me to do what in a toilet? Don’t be ridiculous.”
- Did someone get a new iPhone? And they even sprang for the armored cover and screen protector? Challenge accepted.
- There is no greater toy than an empty cardboard box.
- Except for the toy another child is playing with.
ˈdī(ə)pər/noun: diaper; plural noun: diapers
a piece of absorbent material wrapped around a baby’s bottom and between its legs to absorb and retain urine and feces.See also pants, car seat, and occasionally floor.
- No, the toddler did not color all over himself. Why do you ask? Because there’s marker all over their hands and face? The marker did that. Without any assistance whatsoever.
- Life is clothing optional.
- Nothing is truly child proof.
- Want something that you’re not getting? Speak forcefully and turn up the volume.
- When all else fails be adorable.
- “Again with the toilet? I told you. It’s not happening.”
- Nothing is more fun than being outdoors.
- Climbing stairs (especially if they’re forbidden) is a close second.
- Kleenex boxes are made to be emptied. It’s important to scatter the tissues throughout the room for optimal effect.
- Someone will always ring your doorbell during naptime.
- “No, I don’t care if Mickey and Minnie use a potty too. Do I look like a mouse?”
- Anything and everything can be thrown like a ball.
- Grunting and pointing is an acceptable way to communicate what you want.
- An explanation will be required for why we must leave the house wearing shoes.
- The very best buttons are found on remote controls.
- Chairs are for standing. Not sitting. You’ve been doing it wrong.
- 162 pairs of underwear will still not be enough when you’re potty-training.
- Dirt. That’s all. Just dirt.
- Food tastes better if it comes from someone else’s plate.
- Everything belongs in the toilet. Except that.